Is sex coming between you and your partner? Sexual issues can be barometer for our relationships. When sex is great, it adds to a relationship. When the sex is bad or non existent it is a major source of dissatisfaction. Sometimes sexual issues are driven from medical conditions, our past trauma history or issues within our present relationship.
When couples come to me with sexual issues in relationship, we will work on finding the root of the problem. There is a balance between the emotional bonds and physical bonds in our relationships. I work with these emotional bonds and the physical issues to help heal relationships.
Sex in relationship provides about 15-20% of our relationship satisfaction until it is not satisfying anymore. When sex breaks down in relationship it can cause 70% of the issues in a relationship. We will look at the drivers of the issues and work on re-creating a satisfying sexual relationship. (Any homework will be done at home, in private, not in session.)
We will work together to create a safe space for exploration individually or in relationship. There are approximately 20% of women that have never had an orgasm. And most men will face a day where the erection is not automatic anymore. There are many factors that affect our sexuality as we age and during the life of a relationship.
It has been estimated that one in three women and one in six men have been victims of sexual assault. After sexual assault or sexual abuse, life is not the same. Something is different. This different is the footprints of the sexual trauma. If there was sexual abuse as a child or adult, it can be difficult to feel safe with your partner or anyone. Sexual trauma in the past for either partner can drain the intimacy from a relationship. The footprints on your life can be confusing. Why are these feelings coming up now? Do you check out during sex? Do you find yourself watching or listening to yourself talk but you don’t feel it is really you? Are there some things your partner does that set you off but you can’t make sense of it? These can be symptoms of that trauma earlier in life.
Working through this trauma with your partner can be scary, and liberating. The shame of what happened, the triggers that bind you to the trauma and the sadness that lingers can be worked through during individual counseling. Working with your life partner through these issues can help even further to lessen the burden you have been carrying. Imagine, the one person you care about the most in the world, being able to be with you in the deepest moments of feeling. I work as an Emotionally Focused Therapist to bring you and your partner together, sharing your pain and sadness allowing you both the freedom to understand and connect. This process works by building safety in your relationship. Safety to share your feelings about what happened and safety to not bear the trauma alone anymore.
Learn how this connection can help with trauma. Dr. Sue Johnson: calming the threatened brain.
Aging and sexuality:
As men age, 50% will have a period of erectile dysfunction. It is pretty common. But, what does it do to your relationship with your partner. As men age, their erections move from being automatic to needing connection with their partner. This changes the way that couples express their intimacy as they age. Some of the changes are because of the time in relationship, some of these changes are age alone, others are because of medical issues.
Women also change as they age. Women that go through menopause will experiencing the thinning of their vagina wall, the thinning and lengthening of the Labia, the relaxing of the tissues of the urethra, and the dryness during sex. Some women experience the tightening of their vaginal opening. There can be pain during intercourse. There can also be other medical issues that change desire and ability to have sex.
This is not hopeless! There must be a secret with those couples in their 70’s and 80’s saying they are having the best sex of their life! What is there secret? There is more to sex than just intercourse. Some men will read this and say “no-way.” But, when couples age, intimacy can expand with their changing bodies. During sex therapy, you will work with a therapist to take away the confusion and shame around your changing sexual health. You and your partner can learn to keep your sex alive throughout your life together.
Issues I work with:
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Non-orgasmic Women
- Desire Discrepancies
- Painful Intercourse
- Aging and Sexuality
- Out of Control Sexual Behaviors
- Overcoming Sexual Trauma
- Sexless Relationship
- Performance Anxiety
The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together. – –Barbara de Angelis